Happy(?) Pride
These are the Pride flag key-chains that Hannah and I make for Pride events 😊
At the beginning of June, I wished my Support Group Discord Server a Happy Pride Month and asked what members were proud of and/or what pride means to them. The immediate answers surprised me:
“Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what it means to me yet, but I think a lot of it has to do with growth. Not only my personal growth, but the societal growth as well. There's still a long way to go with lots of growing pains, and it's hard to see how far we've come for how much there still is left to do, but I'm proud to see the progress. “
“Yeah, sadly I have yet to really connect with it :/ maybe one day “
I’m honestly thankful that both members were so open with their opinions. Rather than just wishing a Happy Pride and moving on with their days, they’ve given me some food for thought and now I’m presenting it to you as a meal.
I’ve always had a weird relationship with the concept of pride myself - the dictionary version of “being proud of one’s self” rather than the LGBTQIA+ version of pride. New Zealand has inherited a lot of attitudes from the British, one of the worst of them is called Tall Poppy Syndrome.
A poppy field, watch out Dorothy!
If you look at a field of Poppy Flowers, the uniformity of the flowers creates a blanket of red across the field. The idea behind Tall Poppy Syndrome is that one Poppy flower rising above the rest disrupts the look and feel of the poppy field, so it needs to be cut down to make the larger whole look better. In people, this manifests as someone finding success or gaining confidence in their skills and showing their pride - which causes the people around them to feel insecure about their lack of growth and so they feel they need to cut that person “down to size” or “take them down a peg or two” before “they get too big for their boots”. Through this viewpoint, any level of confidence is seen as arrogance. I find it legitimately disgusting and regressive - what a way to ensure nobody wants to improve themselves! I’m sure it’s a contributing factor to the “Brain Drain” problem that NZ faces - all the young and upcoming talent is moving away to Australia or beyond, for better job opportunities and expanded horizons.
How is this relevant to Queer Pride? Just look at the comments on almost any Facebook post that is positive to the LGBTQIA+ community. I’m not going to directly copy or share screenshots of any here because I’m sure you’ve witnessed them enough, but there’s a large sentiment from mostly pathetic old white men (I’m going to generalize because… fuck ‘em?) grumbling about “what about men’s month?”, “Where's straight pride?”, and the disingenuously chaste argument of sex ”being private and should be kept behind closed doors” - as if Pride is a massive orgy or we’re running around telling everybody who and how we’ve fucked. But there’s an undercurrent in these comments of “what about me?”. As with EVERYTHING we’re facing, there’s a massive amount of insecurity, projection, and jealousy. “Why do THEY get to have fun and I’m not invited?”. Because you keep shitting in the sandbox and kicking over everyone’s sandcastles every time you’re invited, Darren.
But also Darren, while I’ve got you, the only person excluding you is YOU. You are the one deciding that nobody should like bright colors and being in community with one another. This is the one event that doesn’t explicitly celebrate you and you’re throwing all of your toys out of the cot. “What about straight pride?” - I don’t know, are you proud to be straight or are you just being hateful? You’re actually welcome to join us at our party, you just need to be okay with not being at the center of it.
But I digress, this is an article for my Queer family who aren’t feeling it this year, which I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. It’s hard to want to party when the world is on fire. However I’d argue that Pride is so much more than a party, any festivals and events are just a small fraction of the importance of pride.
My personal relationship with Pride has become tightly woven and similar to my relationship with Hope - both have become verbs, they are things that I do and create. I kept waiting for Pride or Hope to knock on my door and tell me that they have blessed me with their presence. Unsurprisingly, neither came to visit of their own volition - I had to make my own. But enough metaphorical talk, let’s get into the practical - what the fuck do I actually mean when I say “Make your own Hope and Pride”?
Step One: Stop inviting despair into your life
This one sounds simple on the surface - stop doom-scrolling. I know it’s addictive, they designed it that way - isn’t that another reason to stop? It’s a touchy subject for many because I’ve heard the sentiment that looking away enables the atrocities to continue unchecked - which is true. However I’d argue that trying to bear witness to ALL of these atrocities is causing a trauma response of freezing, being overwhelmed, and therefore unable to actually do something - which also leads to them continuing unchecked. Our nervous systems were never meant to handle this level of trauma in our lifetimes. We aren’t biologically ready for the stress that this barrage of barbarism brings.
That’s their plan - flood the zone, overwhelm and exhaust people so they can’t care any more. They either burn out, get desensitized, or start buying into the propaganda. Ever since I removed Tiktok, Facebook, and Reddit from my life I have been so much more functional. Less angry. I have more energy. I’m able to use that energy to be more active in my community and actually do something to help on a local level. I’m no longer scared to go outside as a trans woman. I know I’m privileged to live in a safe city, but I would argue that a lot of places are safer than the internet would lead us to believe. Please still be careful, but not to the point of hiding away from the entire outside world.
I’m watching Avatar: The Last Airbender for the first time and I wanted to share this absolute banger of a quote from Uncle Iroh:
"You must never give in to despair.
Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts.
In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength."
Step Two: Engage with your community
Part of the demonization of the Queer community is because we scare those who are invested in patriarchy and white supremacy. We are a nebulous community, bound by shared experiences rather than geography or a specific background. We connect over distance, recognizing ourselves in each other, and we help uplift each other with mutual aid and understanding. That’s terrifying to those in power because they require us to be scared and divided in order for them to keep their power. They don’t want “We the People” to recognize there’s a whole lot more of us than there are of them. They don’t want us to know that there’s more that connects us than separates us, because once we stop fighting with each other we will recognize the true villains of the story are above us, trickling ‘economics’ down on our heads. So they villainize us instead. They are trying to colonize a community with no specific home, so they attack us everywhere.
The antidote is to engage with others like you. We are social animals, after all. Find a local support group (or join mine!). Go onto Meetup and find a local Queer community group and attend an event that interests you. Join Hey Famm and start connecting with other Queer people in a safe and supportive environment, you may find people local to you who you can connect with and they can help you find more local events. Or branch outside of the LGBTQIA+ umbrella and look into local community groups, a lot of them can be Queer friendly or have other members who are Queer, even if it’s not the advertised intention of the group. I’ve gone Dragon Boating with 20 other people and seen seals in a local harbor, I’ve gone on hikes with local groups to check out the cool birds that live nearby. I’ve made friends who are excited to go on a hike with me at dusk to see a bat nursery at its busiest (I’ve still never seen a bat in the wild and I’m so excited).
Or volunteer! There are countless volunteer opportunities near you that will give you the opportunity to meet like-minded and lovely people who are just thankful you are there to help in their mission to make things that tiny bit better. If we all did something, no matter how small, we can create massive change.
Step Three: Reach back down the ladder you just climbed
Okay, so you’ve stopped doomscrolling and you’re using your newfound energy to do and experience really cool things… Now what? Look back down the ladder that you just struggled to climb and see how the next person below you is doing. Reach out a hand to help them up the last few rungs. Help them on their journey, you don’t have to know the entire path or their final destination, but you are a few steps ahead and can make it that tiny bit easier for them. Practically speaking, that means reaching out to someone who seems shy but interested. If you go to a meeting and there’s someone who doesn’t talk because they seem shy, say hi when there’s a break. Invite them into the conversation rather than excluding them. Show them that they are welcome. Teach them what you just learned - how to be in community with people. Show them that they’re worth the oxygen of saying “Hi, I’m (your name), what’s your name?”. Ask them what intrigued them in the first place, offer them suggestions (if they want them) of other opportunities or groups that you enjoy being part of. Be the welcoming person you want to see in the world, even if you’re scared shitless while doing it. I guarantee a newcomer is more scared.
Step Four: Feel hopeful/proud
Look how far you’ve come! You’ve made it out of your home, made some friends and acquaintances, and are making a small difference either in your community and/or in the people that you’re participating with. Notice a difference from a month ago? Notice how getting out of bed each day is a little easier, knowing that there are people who know and value you for who YOU are and how you’re willing to show up. Things seem a tiny bit brighter. The spark of hope is getting oxygen and turning into the fuel you need to keep going. You’re being seen for who you are and that creates confidence and pride in yourself, expanding your comfort zone far beyond what you ever imagined.
You take that confidence out into the larger world and start existing brighter, being a beacon for those who feel lost. Being visibly proud of your gender and sexuality, rather than the fear and shame they want us to feel. That Pride is contagious. I’m only a visibly trans woman because I saw visibly trans and queer people here, showing that this is a safe place for me to openly be me. That it’s safe and it’s going to be okay to be Queer, because there are more of us than anybody wants us to know. You can be your true self and be celebrated, rather than shunned.
That’s why conservatives are so scared of Pride. They want us to be terrified and ashamed to exist, to either hide forever or exterminate ourselves on their behalf. Pride is a direct threat to that mission, it’s us standing together clad in our colors and saying “we refuse to be ashamed”.
I have hope and pride because there is no other option for me. I've spent decades in fear and shame, I know I can no longer live that way.
I refuse.
I refuse to be scared by impotent bullies.
I refuse to be ashamed of who I am.
Every day is an active choice to have hope and pride, to help spread them to as many people as I possibly can. So we can all be stronger together.
The first pride was a riot, every pride is a protest that things STILL need to improve and is a celebration of everyone who is making that happen by being themselves.
So with a full and hopeful heart, I wish you a very happy Pride. I’m so proud to be in this community with you.
- Hazel Bloom 💜
Struggling to feel pride or hope this year? I can help with that!
I’m an Online Queer Life Coach, if you are Transgender, Non-binary, Queer and/or Neurodivergent, I can help you live a joyful life as your authentic self.
Your first session is free and packed with value, so you have nothing to lose!
