How to Self-Regulate
The primal scream that’s trapped inside of all of us when we witness atrocities on a daily basis
It’s the 250th birthday of America and an array of the biggest and most pathetic losers are physically decaying while in power, doing their best to destroy any semblance of democracy we have left. I know I’m not alone in saying this: It’s really hard to feel patriotic this year. (Note: I wrote this intro prior to July 4th, some (not enough) of the pathetic losers have since accelerated their decay)
I love America, I love the people here, which is why I cannot tolerate what is being done to us. As a transgender immigrant, these feckless morons believe they have the power to legislate against my existence on two fronts. They want me to believe that they represent the view of the people - my lived experience has shown the exact opposite. In my experience of visiting 13 states (caveat: most of those were before I transitioned), Americans are kind, friendly, and welcoming. Some feel empowered to let the hatred in their hearts spill out into comment sections and onto vulnerable people in less welcoming states. Seeing that vitriol is extremely triggering - which is the entire point. It’s fear-mongering from those who benefit from the fear dividing us and keeping us quiet.
Social media algorithms are fine-tuned for maximum emotional disruption, as that is addictive to our brains, and keeps us engaging with systems that are barraging us with messaging we never consented to. Yet we keep scrolling. “Maybe if I scroll past enough atrocities, I’ll get another cute cat video”. We cycle through sadness, despair, anger, elation, connection, joy, fear, stress, dismay, hope, and hopelessness in such rapid succession that our nervous systems get absolutely fried. It’s a skinner box of turmoil and pain, if we scroll enough through the things that cause us pain, maybe we’ll get a little pellet of joy. Those pellets keep us scrolling.
There’s also the virtue signalling aspect of it all, the concept that ‘bearing witness’ is the same as doing something to help prevent the atrocities, and if you look away then you are complicit. Some of those people who bear witness to everything will take the rage of the things they experience and take that energy to the streets and use it to invoke change. SOME of them will, the vast majority of people get dysregulated, have panic attacks, burn out, shut down, and blame themselves for a feeling of ‘not doing enough’ so they continue the ‘bearing witness’ cycle as if it gives them control over their dysregulation. This is the cycle that they want you to remain trapped in. ENOUGH. You’re drinking from a fire-hose of trauma. I’ve talked about alternative action and what you can actually do rather than just witnessing in these articles:
Whenever I write “drinking from the fire-hose of trauma” - this is the scene I’m picturing from UHF (A classic comedy by Weird Al Yankovic)
So what do we actually do about it when we are triggered by everything going on around us?
We need to return to our bodies and recognize the feelings we are getting bombarded with. We either need to sit with them and feel them through where we can, or we need to stop being buffeted by them and find firmer footing once again. This is where self-regulation comes into play. This is the technique I use when I’m feeling immense stress, anxiety, if I’m having a panic attack, or if my OCD has been particularly heinous.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
This sounds stupid on paper, when you’re feeling regulated. However it has been a life saver when my thoughts start racing faster than I can corral them. I recommend using this technique whenever your nervous system is unnecessarily going into fight/flight/fawn/freeze response as if you’re about to be attacked by a lion. We need to remind our brain that there is no lion, we are safe from harm, we just need to have an awkward conversation/make a phone call/meet a deadline/tell our body we aren’t personally experiencing the trauma we just witnessed. To do this, we need to re-engage our senses to bring us into the here and now. We do this one step at a time while bringing our heart rate down by taking deep breaths:
LOOK at 5 things around your room that are the same color
Don’t overthink it, pick a color and look around the room naming things that are that color. It’s honestly better if it’s an uncommon color so you need to focus more to find other items that are that color (or similar). Name the item as you notice it.
Example: “Pink 3d printed seashell, pink on my “protect trans rights” poster, Pink crochet heart that my friend made, Pink segments in my tangle fidget toy, Pink on the lesbian flag colored 3d printed frog on my wife’s monitor”.
TOUCH 4 different textures
This one is easier, so be more mindful about experiencing the textures. What is the difference between texture 1 and 2? Is one rougher, smoother, more ridged, or more spiky? Which texture do you like most?
Examples: my skirt fabric is smooth, I like the feeling of it moving against my legs; the crochet heart is soft and fluffy, dimpled in between the crochet stitches; the caster wheels on my office chair have really sharp edges that hurt my heels if I even slightly touch them; my desk is made of plasterboard but it has a fake woodgrain texture that feels nice to run my fingers over, either with the grain or against.
LISTEN intentionally to 3 different sounds
I like to close my eyes for this one and focus my hearing on the world around me. If you’re listening to music, pause it and focus. What are 3 distinctly different noises? What pitch are they? What’s the frequency of the noise? Is it natural or artificial?
Examples: I can hear the clicks of Zelda’s claws on the hardwood floors of the apartment as she wanders about like Grommit, observing everything. I can hear the excited “woo!” noise of our aging washing machine with every movement of the inner tub. I can hear the soft whirr of the fan in the office, moving the A/C cooled air around.
SMELL 2 different smells
This one may be a bit of a scavenger hunt depending on where you are, but you need to seek out 2 distinctly different scents around you. I find by this point that I’m starting to come back to myself and my reality, so I try to make this one fun for myself by finding 2 smells that are as different as possible.
Examples: The citrussy perfume I put on my wrists this morning, sweet and vibrant, combined with the smell of my skin; the coffee and vanilla smell from the homemade iced coffee I had earlier, diluted now by the last bits of melted ice.
TASTE 1 thing
If you don’t have any food or drink around you, this could be as simple as noticing the flavor in your own mouth - did you have coffee or gum recently? Did you eat something recently? Is there a flavor you can introduce - like a lozenge, fruit or candy? Worst case, you can put something in your mouth that isn’t designed to be eaten, it’s certainly interesting but not the most pleasant option!
Example: I drank the dregs of my iced coffee which was diluted as hell and I wish I hadn’t to be honest with you. It tasted like warm-ish milk with a homeopathic amount of coffee in it. Gross. But at least a lion isn’t making me the 1 thing that they taste to regulate.
Now, take a big, deep breath and SIGH it out audibly!
This helps finish the stress cycle.
There is no lion, you are physically safe.
If you would like to print this out and have it somewhere handy when you next need it, I’ve created a printable resource (without my examples) that you can access here
Now let’s say that you are still dysregulated, the panic levels are rising and nothing is calming them down, that’s when we can take more extreme measures:
Cold Water Face Immersion - (NOT recommended if you have a heart condition)
Try filling a basin with cold water and sticking your face into it briefly (using the cold as a shock), or holding your breath as you submerge your face (or at least your forehead, eyes and cheeks) in the water, keeping it there until you have nearly run out of air and need to surface and take another breath. How this works is your body’s survival mechanisms are tricked into activating (via the vagus nerve), it thinks that you have just jumped into a body of water so it starts to prioritize getting oxygen rich blood to your essential organs, it slows your heart rate to maximize your oxygen usage, and it realizes the anxious response you’re going through is antithetical to survival right now so it tries to reduce the anxiety as much as possible.
When you start to run out of air, slowly bring your face out of the water and breathe slowly. We don’t want to go as far as running out of oxygen so we splutter and panic as we leave the water, that’s just trading one fight or flight response for another. Take slow breaths, exhaling longer than your inhales, keep bringing that heart rate down. You may need to repeat this, up to 4 times if need be. I’m usually good after once or twice, I’ve only had to use this technique when facing down some of my biggest panic attacks.
Now that you’re out of the dysregulation, please remove the pressure from yourself to do anything productive right away - your body just thinks you escaped a lion! Let it relax, doing a big sigh and deep breathing is helpful to confirm to your system that you are out of peril and helps finish the stress cycle fully. Finishing the cycle is of utmost importance, it’s something that modern life disincentivizes us from doing, we jump from one stressor to the next and it creates a build up of anxiety that is slowly killing us.
So breathe, you are safe now.
The last step is to recognize that you just took control of your runaway nervous system! You calmed yourself down and stopped the anxiety from overriding your logical brain. I’m really proud of you! It will only get easier the more that you practice this, and I’m confident you will build up knowledge of when panic is starting to seep in and you will be able to prevent it from taking control. You’ve got this!
If you would like help to figure out regulation techniques tailored to you, reach out and let’s work together!
I want to help you keep anxiety out of the driver's seat and use it as the helpful tool that it can be.
When you work with me, we will build up the self-trust needed to separate reality from the fears that have built up too much validity in your mind, freeing you to do things you previously thought were impossible for you.
Book your discovery call or first session with me, and let’s get you living a more confident and regulated life!
