My First Month on HRT - A Trial by Fantasmic Fire
CW: Internalized transphobia, Religious trauma
I thought it would be helpful to follow on from “How NOT to Come Out to your Wife as Transgender” and talk about what happened next - once Hannah and I had reconnected and started adjusting to our new reality.
Where we lived in Centralia (a small red city in deep blue Western Washington) we were lucky enough to have access to some incredible resources - Schine Health and Zap Master Electrology. Both companies are run by incredibly passionate people who moved from Arizona after the overturning of Roe v. Wade, and are passionate about serving the LGBTQ+ community. I had been dreading talking to a medical professional after the horror stories I had read online of people trying to assert their medical needs and being denied care, having to explain what being transgender even really meant to their doctor. My appointment with Dr. Schine couldn’t have gone better, he was so kind and compassionate. He knew what he was talking about and I was able to get the prescriptions I wanted right away.
I had heard horror stories of the side effects of Spirolactone and its effect on libido and mood, so I was worried that would be my only option. I voiced these fears to Dr. Schine and so he prescribed Finaestride, Estradiol (in oral pill form), and Progesterone. Anecdotally, it seems like getting progesterone immediately is uncommon. Usually people have to struggle on spiro for a bit first - so this was a massive relief for me. We started on a lower dose to start with to make sure I was happy with my decision and the process.
My first dose of Estradiol and Finaestride. I expected more fear or trepidation while looking down at the pills in my hand, but I just felt excitement from starting my journey
I pulled out an old journal from my ‘biHRTday’ (the day I started taking HRT) and I wrote “I’ve taken the first 2, progesterone is at bedtime. Hilariously I’m a little disappointed that I don’t have immediate brain fog lift and angels aren’t playing their harps at me. May have set my expectations a lil high there”. Just a little bit…
I did get those effects over the next month though, the caveman in my head got quieter and quieter until he left. The brain fog started to lift and my emotions became more accessible and deeper. The spectrum of my emotions widened from just the extremes of Angry, Tired, Sad, and Happy - I started connecting emotionally to music, movies and art more. I was able to cry again, without the anger at myself for showing emotion. Without my father’s voice in my head saying “don’t be such a sook”.
My journal entry from day 2 of HRT reads: ‘I feel lighter today, there’s a base level of stress/grief/sadness that feels 10-20% lighter? The weight in my chest is still there but it’s… fizzy? Like there’s activity, light seeping into the cracks. It feels like my body is inhaling before the biggest sigh of relief ""I was shaving this morning and I started going down the dysphoria track while looking at my reflection but then I stopped. I said to myself “you may not love or recognize this face, but this is day 2, this is the least feminine you’ll ever look”.
If you are new here, welcome! I’m Hazel Bloom, I’m a trans lesbian and an Online Queer Life Coach. If you or anyone you know is struggling with accepting themselves and their journey, or just struggling to exist in an increasingly hostile world as a queer person - I can help!
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A week after my Schine appointment, there was a grand opening for Zap Master and their new clinic space. Hannah and I decided to attend as an opportunity to meet Stephanie Shields (THE Zap Master), and also to support these queer businesses opening in this town. We met with Steph, Hannah did most of the talking because I was still struggling to even say I was trans out loud at this point. We had a consultation and I signed up to be an electrolysis model for Zap Master - meaning I could get electrolysis from students who were learning their craft at a rate of $20 per hour (as opposed to $100+ per hour).
This was really emotional for me, I had grown facial hair since leaving high school and my beard had become a shield. It was like I had been so afraid of someone looking at me and saying “I know what you are, you’re not a man” and my entire identity crumbling apart - something my impostor syndrome had latched onto with its claws and didn’t want to let go of. Add onto that the experience of ‘coming out’ to Hannah by shaving and that going horribly, and you’ve got a soup of insecurity going. Stephanie made the whole process approachable, her warmth and kindness made it easier to face the prospect of hundreds of hours of tiny electrocutions in the face, chest and genitals. Electrolysis is not fun but the results are worth it.
A month after my egg cracked, I wrote this in my journal: “Hannah said she’s seen me smile more in the last month than in the last 5 years. That’s fucking wild to me. But I feel it, I feel happier! I felt physical joy the other day, like fireworks in my chest. I was content with life, and in love with my wife. It lifted the weight in my chest and I’m bursting with energy”
2 weeks after starting HRT, we went to Disneyland with our friend Kayden. This trip had been planned for months, prior to my egg cracking. I was so scared about flying to California and having to go through TSA, scared about using women’s bathrooms, scared I’d get harassed or awful looks; terrified that someone would call me a groomer or a pedophile for daring to be at Disneyland as a trans woman. Despite all of these fears, I felt like I had to present femme. I had to do it for myself because I was so sick of wearing the ‘man costume’. I wanted to go to Disneyland and feel the joy fully, not worried about being cool or hiding my emotions. So we went shopping in the women's sections prior to the trip (which was terrifying in its own right), bought some tights and skirts, put some cute outfits together and off we flew.
When we walked to the front gates of Disneyland, there was a guy on the corner just outside of the property, with a megaphone and signs saying how gay people are the antichrist and Disney is evil. As soon as he saw me, he latched onto me as a target. I flipped the bird as he told me that I was dirty and sinful, I walked away as he said I would burn in a lake of lava for eternity, held my hands up in the sign of the horns and yelled back “That sounds metal as hell!”. He devolved into impotent rage behind me, I didn’t look back. As we got closer to the gate, we saw several security team members heading out to talk to him and he was gone for the next 3 days we were there.
That was the worst experience we had that whole week.
Hannah and me on Main Street USA as we first entered the park, I’m smiling but I think you can see that I’m also SHITTING MYSELF with fear. I was so scared to be wearing makeup and it’s barely visible 😅
Actually being visibly trans and queer was met with a positive response - mostly from people younger than us. We met a young, autistic, and trans kid outside of Indiana Jones with their parents who were clearly very supportive. They asked if we were supporters or members of the LGBT community (adorable way to ask that question), we said that we all were and they brightened visibly, asked us our pronouns and we talked about the hate that trans people were getting at the time. We said that it’s more about the hater than it is about us. They asked us if we could give them a hug which we obliged (with the parents’ approval). I told them that it’s going to be okay. I think we actually convinced each other that it would be okay.
Later, we were taking a quiet break on Pixar Pier. I was wearing a crop top with Ursula on it that said “DIVA” in big rainbow letters, Hannah was wearing her signature rainbow glasses, and Kayden was wearing a shirt with Astarion (from Baldurs Gate 3) on it. Two teen girls came and sat at a table next to us and complimented all of these articles of clothing. We realized later that our clothing showed them we were queer so they saw us as a safe place. I’d never been visibly queer before, even when I thought I was non-binary and pansexual. I’d never been seen as a safe space by a stranger before.
From my journal: “I wore a skirt in front of thousands of people! And only tens looked at me with disgust! If I’m being honest, in hindsight, I don’t think I actually got that many weird looks or people laughing at me. My dysphoria and anxiety were making me look for anything to interpret as transphobic… that’s probably internalized transphobia”.
Would I recommend everyone commit to such a trial by fire early on in their transition? Fuck no! It took so much emotional energy and strength to make myself show up and dress femme, put some makeup on, wear a skirt and go be amongst thousands of people. I know I looked like “a man in a skirt” because there hadn’t been enough time for HRT to make many physical changes, at least none that would be obvious at first glance to a stranger.
But even looking like “a man in a skirt” - I didn’t get any of the hate I was so scared of getting. I didn’t get harassed by screaming throngs of mothers, concerned about the wellbeing of their kids around me. I didn’t get men trying to physically harm me. I didn’t have any children pointing and laughing. Out of literally THOUSANDS (approximately 75,000 people visited per day in June 2024), I had one street preacher try to shame my existence, and I had one dad look at me and roll his eyes. But even with that dad, he could have been rolling his eyes at something his kid just said, someone’s shirt, or just the fact he had to wait 30 minutes in a line for Alice in Wonderland. I didn’t see him again, we never made eye contact or shared words. So I’m going to assume it wasn’t about me. But goddamn, did my brain want to obsess over it, to the point I remember it over a year later. I don’t remember what he looks like, why does my brain want me to believe he remembers what I look like? That I’d be the story of “remember that gross trans person at Disneyland”? The chances are close to 0.
That’s it. Those are the 1.125 negative interactions we had.
Instead we had these glowingly positive interactions. Kayden was wearing a “Protect Trans Youth” shirt and a Cast Member yelled out from behind the counter they were working at “I love your shirt! I’m trans!!” to which Kayden yelled back “Thank you! Us too!”.
Disneyland was a formative experience in my trans journey. It came at just the right time to force myself to be brave and develop the strength and courage I use today to be visibly trans. I still have my moments, I still get anxious going out in public in a skirt. But it’s easier every time. I can look back at the evidence that if I can be visible at Disneyland, then I can be visible anywhere.
Have I had worse experiences since? For sure! Being visibly trans at the State Fair was much worse in terms of weird looks, I didn’t feel represented or overly welcome at Pride that year, we’ve eaten at some very straight restaurants and clearly made other patrons uncomfortable; but I had the internal strength to exist in those spaces regardless, with my head held high. Even if I’m struggling with my confidence in the moment, I want to show them that I’m not ashamed and they can’t make me feel ashamed for being free.
A month after starting HRT, I wrote this in my journal:
“I had the thought out of nowhere - “I love being trans”. Apropos of nothing, my sub-conscious told me I love something about myself. THAT’S HUGE!! Not only that but I love the thing about myself that seems hardest to love. That society says I should be ashamed of. FUCK THEM. I LOVE BEING TRANS, I LOVE BEING A WOMAN, I LOVE BEING A WIFE TO AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN WHO IS HOT AS FUCK!! There’s so much to be happy about, so much to LOVE.
I may not have the confidence to back that up, YET. We will get there.
But, like, why do I need to wait for confidence?? I’ve already done the fucking thing!! I was visibly trans in front of thousands of people, Olympia is queer AF, what do I have to worry about?
I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I AM A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, CONFIDENT WOMAN
IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT, IT SAYS MORE ABOUT THEM THAN ME
ALSO THEY’LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO MY WIFE!
I’ve fucking got this.
I’ve had it all along.
I do not require permission to exist
I do not require approval
I give myself permission to exist.
I give myself permission to THRIVE
I will be a source of light and joy, unshackled from my darkness
I am a proud trans woman, and I don’t give a single fuck what people think of that.
I’ve got this.”
Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to leave a comment below to tell me your thoughts and/or part of your journey
Please reach out for support on your own journey - I’m a great listener and I ask (annoyingly) good questions that will help you grow into the beautiful, authentic life that you deserve!
