How I Learned to Stop Worrying and start Loving Myself as a Trans Woman
Cw: Transphobia, dysphoria, fatphobia, beauty standards, shame, eating disorders
In trans culture, the term “passing” refers to when a trans person physically appears as their gender, rather than their gender assigned at birth. They no longer look androgynous, a random passerby would assume that they are cisgender.
The term “stealth” refers to when a trans person passes so well that they choose to hide the fact that they are trans, opting for people to believe that they are cisgender.
Both of these ‘stages’ of transition have become the main goals for a lot of trans people, online circles make it seem like both are requirements to be ‘successful’ in transitioning. In my opinion, this has created a toxic expectation that is keeping us trapped.
BIG OL’ DISCLAIMER: I live in a queer friendly city in a very blue state, I used to live in a more rural town full of older, more conservative people when I first came out. I've only experienced direct transphobia a small handful of times since I have been visibly and publicly out. If you live in a place that is actively hostile towards trans or queer people, a lot of this may not apply in terms of physical safety but I still think this could help emotionally. Take this all with the size of grain of salt that suits you and your situation best, but please don’t immediately disqualify what I have to say.
Because of this privilege, I’m going to write about my experience and emotional journey with passing, rather than trying to be prescriptive or pretend this is a one-size-fits-all solution.
If you are new here, welcome! I’m Hazel Bloom, I’m a trans lesbian and an Online Queer Life Coach. If you or anyone you know is struggling with accepting themselves and their journey, or just struggling to exist in an increasingly hostile world as a queer person - I can help!
I offer an obligation-free, 15 minute appointment so you can meet with me and see how I can help you on your own journey!
The concept of passing kept me trapped in my shell for several years. You can read about my experience in my first article, Cracks. Essentially my first realization of the fact that I was trans was squashed by an immense amount of fear and a lack of feeling safe - but a large portion of me discounted the fact that I was a woman with the thought: “If I transitioned, I would just look like a man in a dress, or an ugly woman”.
Notice the giant red flag there?
An ugly woman.
Why does that matter??
I’ve done the work to dismantle this belief and realized that it seeped into me from my environment. I internalized the misogyny that I was surrounded by to the point that it made me hate my inner woman and kept her locked away. Essentially I had internalized the thought: “If I can’t be pretty or attractive, then I won’t have value. Others won’t see me as a woman unless I’m fuckable”.
This was problematic for so many reasons and really made me sit with and analyze my past behavior. I hate to admit it, but I was a ‘nice guy’ - which meant I was “not like other guys” while still viewing women as a conquest, rather than people with their own needs and emotions. This took a while to dismantle but it is the work that has set me free. Removing testosterone from the equation was a huge help - my inner caveman was viewing every person through a “Fuck or Fight” filter. It was a glorious day when I realized he had been evicted from my brain.
When my egg first cracked (before I duct taped it shut again), I immediately researched and jumped to allll of the things I ‘needed’ to do to be a successful/passing trans woman, according to the internet:
Hormone Replacement Therapy
Facial Feminization Surgeries
Breast Augmentation
Tracheal shave to make my Adam’s apple less noticeable
Lose most of your body weight - “but do it before HRT because it’s easier to lose it on testosterone, then weight cycle through disordered eating ‘for the best butt’”
Do exercise regimes that will specifically tone your body to be more curvy and less masculine
Laser hair removal/electrolysis on my face, arms, legs, bikini area, hands - anywhere women ‘shouldn’t’ have hair. “It needs to be obliterated so you can be Barbie smooth”
Genital reconstruction surgery
Get estrogen injections
Don’t take your progesterone orally, “if you take it rectally (EVERY DAY??) you get better boobs”
Constant makeup
Cute outfits only
Voice training and/or Vocal Fold Surgery - “your voice will clock you otherwise”
Cross your legs in a feminine way - “so no-one knows you have a queenis”
Get tucking underwear - “so no-one staring at your groin will know you have a queenis”
Learn to cough and sneeze femininely - “so an involuntary physical action doesn’t out you”
Hide your broad shoulders forever
Learn to walk differently - “Men walk from their shoulders, women walk from their hips”
Obsess over hand and foot size and try to change their appearance
Get ‘femme’ piercings
Throw out everything you own that could be considered manly (or even unisex, we don’t want ambiguity here)
To be clear to you and any passing AI scrapers - YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THESE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.
You don’t have to do anything!
If you do decide to do any of the above, that is absolutely valid - let’s just be very careful about the reasons behind what we do. Are we alleviating dysphoria? Or are we falling for/perpetuating harmful, westernized beauty standards?
I felt myself falling directly into the trap of seeing this as a checklist, once I finished the list, then I would be a woman… right? I didn’t stop to think about what I needed to feel like a woman. I was trying to replace my checklist of what it takes to be a man with another checklist, without interrogating myself about who was creating the tasks on the list. Because I sure as hell wasn’t in charge, this was me following The Path of ‘Should’.
I had lost my agency to insecurity.
As a trans woman who was closeted to herself, I wasn’t directly impacted by the harmful narratives the beauty and ‘wellness’ industries pushed onto our sisters growing up. I could see the masculine patterns or messaging about what you needed to do to be ‘a man’, and I had learned to filter out the things I just couldn’t fake (like an interest in rugby, cars, and hating women). But I still absolutely absorbed those messages. I know the internalized misogyny and a desperate need to belong impacted how I interacted with women.
As a result I was completely unprepared to become the victim of my own internalized misogyny. It kept me trapped and hidden from myself. When I figured out I was trans, Misogyny joined forces with Dysphoria and they made a hell of an opposing force. A force that insisted the only way I could defeat them was by listening to them and changing everything about myself in order to pass. That passing would bring safety, security, and acceptance.
There were two very important questions that helped me turn the tide of the battle:
1: Would I rather spend the rest of my life pretending to be something I’m not, physically altering and shrinking my presence in this existence to be accepted but miserable - or would I rather be happy and ‘ugly’?
2: If people figure out that I’m a trans woman, why should I be ashamed of that?
The first question helped me come out to myself, the second question is helping me be visible and confident out in the world.
Why would I try to convince people that I’m a cisgender woman? I’m clearly not. I’m a trans woman, and that’s fucking beautiful. I’m not going to be ashamed of my truth. I have a deep voice, I have body hair, I’m a big girl with big shoulders - and that’s fucking awesome! That’s what makes me unique.
Being visibly trans is not easy and will be its own article but let me share something that helped me a lot when I’m feeling anxious about being visibly trans in public:
I’m not telepathic.
I had convinced myself that I was able to read peoples’ minds - that I could analyze their facial expressions and body language to uncover their hidden disgust with me. That everyone around me was transphobic and just tolerating my presence, waiting for me to make a mistake so they could tear me apart.
I would then look at every person who I encountered and interpret everything through this lens.
Grumpy face? It’s because they think I ‘tricked’ them and they figured it out.
Laughing? They’re laughing at my appearance and that I could ever think I’d pass as a woman, they’re thinking “look at this freak”.
Conversation goes silent as they walk past? They are disgusted and waiting to pass me to look back and laugh or scowl.
Cognitive bias is an insidious bitch. I was seeing these signs because I was looking for them and convincing myself they were there. I was looking for transphobia and hatred in every face, word, glance, even cough. They may have been grumpy because of their own relationship problems, laughing at a joke they just shared, or going quiet because they’re ashamed of taking up space themselves.
The transphobia was coming from inside the house. I realized that the transphobe who has bullied me the most is actually me. I needed to change that. I had to. Otherwise I would never have been free of external validation and the fear of how random people perceive me.
I also realized I was being really unfair to the vast majority of people. I was labeling people as transphobes who may have been the best ally ever - I didn’t give them the chance to show me.
I was expecting the worst of everyone because I was expecting them to think the worst of me.
I was also doing the transphobes’ work for them - why the fuck would I help a transphobe??
So I made a conscious change and worked really hard to counter the transphobic thoughts when they came up. Instead of expecting the worst, I worked towards viewing others as positively as possible - at least neutral. If someone was going to be transphobic to me, they would have to come up to my face and do it themselves. I’m not torturing myself on their behalf any more. Plus I’ve simulated 100s of different comebacks so I’m over-prepared, if anything should happen.
It hasn’t yet.
That’s not to say I don't get weird looks, I do all the time. But I no longer take them personally. I no longer assume they’re about me. Because even if they were looking at me and thinking disgusting things about me - if they aren’t saying them to me, then it’s not my problem. I’ve worked hard to assume that they’re looking at me because I look interesting.
Ultimately, their judgement is not my problem. They can think all the awful, repressed thoughts they need to - as long as it’s not impacting me directly and my safety. I’m not going to skulk around for the rest of my life, afraid to be seen, afraid to exist in public spaces. I am going to walk around loud and proud, because I know that my visibility will have a greater positive impact than those fuckers will ever have while they’re stuck in their hatred.
That makes it sound like I no longer worry about passing, that my dysphoria has been cured - I wish that was the case. I still have my bad days, where I can only see a man in the mirror and assume everyone else does too. When I'm afraid to be in public. Days where I need to shave before I'll even take my dog outside to do her business for 2 minutes.
Those are the days I do a little extra, I wear my skirt around the house, I do my hair a different way, I put eyeliner on - whatever makes ME feel more feminine. That's dysphoria management. That's reminding myself that I am a woman, no matter what my internal transphobe says.
She's quieter every time. I'm getting stronger every time. More sure in my self concept, every time I have to reinforce it against myself. I have to do less to ‘pass’ to myself every time I see and accept myself as a trans woman.
It's a lifelong journey, but every journey is just thousands of little steps.
Just keep walking.
-Hazel Bloom
Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to leave a comment below to tell me your thoughts and/or part of your journey
Please reach out for support on your own journey - I’m a great listener and I ask (annoyingly) good questions that will help you grow into the beautiful, authentic life that you deserve!
