The Resources that Helped me Bloom
This is a list of the different resources that I found really helpful as I was coming to terms with being transgender and neurodivergent, things I figured out around the same time which was TUMULTUOUS to say the least. The following resources helped me feel less alone, less alien, and more like I had really found my truth:
Books
Yes, You Are trans Enough by Mia Violet
An answer to the common question for those figuring out they’re transgender, especially later in life - “Am I trans enough?”. This book helped me realize that yes, I was trans; and ‘enough’ implies that there’s an external force that I need to appease to be valid which is not true. It helped me realize I was trans enough for myself and that my judgement was the final word on that subject. I didn’t need anyone else to sign off on my transness, just me. Getting to the point where I could fully accept that for myself took a lot of processing time and work.
Us by Sara Soler
This graphic novel is so meaningful to me, it was the first positive depiction I had found of a seemingly straight and cis couple where the husband figures out she’s actually a transgender woman and the couple has to deal with what exactly that means for both parties. It was instrumental in helping my wife and I come to terms with the changes in our relationship, we were both afraid of losing ‘privilege’ and how others would react. This is such a sweet story about how love can overcome any obstacle and depicts dysphoria and the kinds of inquiries you’ll get as a trans person in a really relatable way. Highly recommended for any married couples where one partner has just come out.
Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe
Another graphic novel! Maia shares eir experiences with figuring out eir gender queer identity, how e found eir own path to themselves, and also figuring out the pronouns that feel right for em (e/em/eir). One thing I love about this book is that Maia doesn’t pretend that e is a finished product or even close to figuring it all out. E shared eir experiences as they are, unfinished and messy, but presented in a way that helps the reader figure out things about their own gender. I would recommend this to anyone who feels like they don’t fit in a neat binary category or who have a complicated relationship with femininity that was forced upon them.
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski Ph. D.
Firstly, this is one of the best cover images, I love it so much but I’m very glad I didn’t have to try read this in public anywhere! While this book is largely about sexuality in cisgender women, it was massively helpful in coming to terms with my own femininity and sexuality. There’s a solid disclaimer in the book about how the language used is very cis-normative purely because there isn’t enough research done into transgender people and their sexuality, but it remains inclusive despite this. In particular, the chapter about genitalia helped with my dysphoria A LOT. Nagoski talks about the development of genitalia in utero and how even between cisgender men and women, genitals are largely the same parts, just in a different configuration. No one way of being is ‘normal’ and nobody is ‘broken’. Powerful book, I have yet to finish the follow-up Come Together or another book of hers, Burnout; but they are high on my reading list and I may add them to this resources article when I’m done!
Unmasking Autism and Unlearning Shame by Dr. Devon Price
More on the neurodivergent side of things, both of these books have fundamentally changed the way I see myself and my place in the world. Unmasking Autism helped me come to terms with my diagnosis and what it actually even meant for me. It showed me that there was nothing to be ashamed of with my neurodivergence, and helped me eliminate residual self-judgement about being on the spectrum. Unlearning Shame goes a step further and talks about how shame has been used to control all of us on a societal level throughout history, and how we need to and can untether ourselves from external judgement. How Shame doesn’t serve us and actually demotivates us on a neurological level. The latter book should be read by everyone.
Articles/Blogs/Online resources
Stained Glass Woman by Doc Impossible
Doc writes in a really approachable but technical way, she cites her sources and doesn’t present arguments without data. If you want ‘scientific evidence’ all about being trans - this is the place to go. However the article series that helped me the most was her most personal, her story of her egg cracking, finally having words to put to feelings she’d had her whole life. I devoured all of the available articles on her substack the week that I figured out I was trans. Sending them to my wife and explaining which parts resonated with me was really helpful. It helped me figure out myself.
If you’ve read my article How NOT to Come Out to your Wife as Transgender, you may recognize this as the article I sent to my wife instead of communicating clearly that I was saying “THIS IS ME”. This is a great article for trans lesbians specifically, as I always knew I liked women, yet something about me felt ‘gay’ but it didn’t make sense no matter how many times I tried to date men. It turned out I was gay, just the supposedly ‘male’ part of the equation was obfuscating the truth.
This is such a good resource for anybody just starting down the path of figuring out your gender. There were a lot of thoughts and feelings I had my whole life that I had sidelined as me being ‘weird’ or ‘something wrong with me’. Reading through the different aspects and types of dysphoria was so helpful in terms of me accepting the validity of the possibility that I was trans. Whenever I had a moment of impostor syndrome, reading through the lists of dysphoria was extremely helpful to remind myself that this was my truth and it made sense to me.
Identity: A Trans Coming Out Story by Philosophy Tube
I just re-watched a portion of this video and it brought me to tears, just like it did the first time. I had no affinity with this channel previously, but I saw people talking about Philosophy Tube and Abigail Thorn’s coming out video as being huge for them and helping crack their own eggs. This video has an actor playing the role of Abigail prior to her coming out and then she reveals herself in her full majesty - coming out to her audience in the hopes they won’t leave in droves. The concept of the past self fading so her new self can shine is so evocative and hits me right in the heart every time.
3 Different websites, same simple concept - You press a button and a progress bar appears and says “Turning you into a [gender], please wait” as the progress bar fills slowly. I’ve mentioned the button test before as a hypothetical to help people figure out if they’re trans or not, these websites are a simple implementation of the concept. Of course I don’t believe a website can turn you into a girl by pressing a button - however the true knowledge gained is in how you react to pressing that button. I stumbled upon the website many years ago and didn’t really understand anything to do with being trans at the time. I didn’t press the button then. The week that my egg cracked, I remembered the website, pressed the button and waited anxiously as the progress bar slowly filled up. The fact that the bar didn’t fill up quickly enough for me, those feelings of impatience, anguish, and anticipation told me everything I needed to know.
Movies
I Saw The TV Glow
I see a lot of trans people talk about how this movie cracked their eggs and I can understand why. It’s not a film that says “being trans will make everything better”, it barely even shows the experience of being trans. No, the impact of this movie is that it is all about dysphoria and hiding your identity from yourself. I don’t want to say much beyond that because it truly is an experience unlike any other, just do not expect a fun time. It’s dark, surreal, and it doesn’t hold your hand at all. But for those that can identify with the main character, it may just break your heart (and/or your egg).
Nimona
If you haven’t seen Nimona, you need to rectify that. It’s beautifully animated, set in a medieval inspired future, and it will likely make you cry. It’s hilarious and heartfelt. I don’t want to spoil anything about it, I’ll just say that I feel like it will hit harder for gender fluid or non-binary folks.
Kpop Demon Hunters
No, come back, I’m deadly serious! Another beautifully animated film, it well and truly deserves its place in pop culture right now. There’s a lot of queer subtext here, dealing with the biases we have against ‘others’, and how the shame we hold about our deepest darkest secrets can control us. There’s a scene in the emotional climax of the film that destroys me every time - about how on the surface ‘accepting’ but hiding the ‘shameful’ aspects is not the same as love. I don’t think I’ve explained it very well, I just re-watched the scene and now I’m crying again, so you’ll just have to watch it yourself.
Will & Harper
I’m so thankful that this movie exists and came out when it did. Will Ferrell’s long time friend and collaborator comes out as transgender in her 60s and is met with love, friendship, and well-meaning confusion. They decide to road trip across the US, as Harper used to do all the time as a man, but now she needed to see how it would feel to do so as herself. There are some absolutely harrowing scenes, made worse by the fact that this is non-fiction. In particular, Will takes Harper to a steakhouse in Texas and he decided it would be funny to dress-up as Sherlock Holmes and do his usual antics, without realizing how much attention it would bring and how unsafe the situation would be for his friend. The film doesn’t shy away from his mistakes and I love that they included that scene, no matter how terrifying it is to witness.
Thank you so much for reading! I’ll update this article with additional resources and recommendations as I find them, please let me know in the comments below any media that you relate to or would recommend and I’ll check them out!
-Hazel Bloom
If you need support, I am an Online Queer Life Coach. I help people through their life transitions and support them in living their best queer and/or neurodivergent lives.
I aim to be as affordable as possible with a sliding scale rate available for my One-on-One coaching - reach out to me for a free 15 minute meeting! I have Online and In-Person support groups that will always be free, click the buttons below to find out more!
