The Passing Paradox
I’ve written previously about my experience with Passing in my article How I Learned to Stop Worrying and start Loving Myself as a Trans Woman. It's been nearly 9 months since I wrote that and some things have changed.
Namely I’ve started to pass and that’s brought a whole new degree of complicated emotions. I never thought this would be a milestone I could achieve - that I could settle for passing to myself and that would be enough. I just need to be authentically happy in myself and that’s enough, it doesn’t matter that I’m a visibly trans woman. I did all this work on internal validation and preaching that to all of my clients, so am I a hypocrite for enjoying external validation that I never thought I would get?
Short answer: No. Longer answer: Nooooooooooo.
In fact I believe I have only been able to pass externally because I am passing to myself internally. Speaking to my wife and close friends, I looked like a woman to them long before I looked like a woman to myself. I experience the same thing with my clients, some who aren’t on HRT. I see them as the gender they identify as while they’re talking to me about how they don’t feel like they will ever pass. Personally It was only once I stopped hiding myself and skulking around like I’m expecting everyone to be repulsed by me that I truly found and started projecting my confidence as a woman.
This is still brand new to me, I was really only certain that I was starting to pass last week, at a Seattle Torrent Hockey game. I didn’t have any team gear so I was wearing a teal hoodie, a black camis top, and green linen pants. I got really warm from all the standing up and cheering and the few drinks I had as well so I thought “fuck it” and took off my hoodie, then I took myself to the women’s bathroom. The arena was full of queer people, mostly bi women, lesbians and non-binary people. So many of them checked me out as I walked past them - an entirely new experience for me at age 34. The first few times I thought it was a fluke but it just kept happening, they’d see me walking towards them, glance at my chest, look up at my face to meet my gaze and we’d smile at each other. Because it was a mostly feminine gaze, it didn’t feel objectifying or leery, I just felt seen.
As a result, I had a LOT more confidence going into the second game for the week, which happened to be the Pride Celebration night. We were showing our friend around Seattle before the game and I wouldn’t have the chance to change, even though I wanted to dress up for the game. So I did something brave, I walked around Seattle in a beautiful blue dress, rainbow trimmed denim jacket with pride pins, tights, Estradiol vial earrings, and my pride Chuck Taylors (with she/her on one side and the trans pride flag on the other). I was anxious about dressing up like this and walking around the general public, but I did it anyway and I’m really proud of myself for that.
Of course I had no reason to be afraid, nobody said anything, I got a few weird looks from men but who knows or cares what they were thinking. Potentially they were confused by my earrings or my pride pins and were trying to figure me out, but the main thing is none of them said anything to me so I dismissed it as unnecessary data.
In fact I got more compliments than I expected, people loved my outfit! The most surprising part was people complimented the earrings and then asked what the vials were for, one was a non-binary person who asked if they were testosterone vials, one was a diabetic who asked me if they were insulin vials - both were asking from their own personal experience, not assuming immediately “oh this is a trans woman, they must be estrogen vials”. You can probably tell that I’m still floating around on these experiences and will be for some time! I’m so excited for summer dresses now, without fear of being seen as “a man in a dress”.
So then the complicated feelings come in surrounding the whole concept of passing and I’ve reached a new level of acceptance of the concept and of myself. When I talk about passing now, I’m meaning the internal validation of seeing myself as a woman - everyone else’s thoughts and comments are just a lovely bonus that can help me continue to see my femininity on dysphoric days.
I think the general concept of ‘Passing’ has been completely fucked with by internalized misogyny and transphobia in trans femme circles specifically. Passing is no longer “do I look like a woman” it’s “Do I look like a cis woman?” or “Do I look like a supermodel or anime girl?” - both are extremely harmful to hold onto as goals and lead people to a much longer battle with dysphoria. It also leads to a generalized culture of transmedicalism which is a much bigger can of worms I’m not going to crack open in this article, but the fact that people are figuring out that they are trans and immediately planning all the surgeries they ‘need’ in order to pass is totally fucked in my opinion. I made a promise to myself early on that I wouldn’t look into any surgeries until at least 4 years on HRT, because I wanted to see what MY face would look like. Not some external fictional ideal or what a plastic surgeon thinks I should look like.
There’s a similar issue with the concept around weight, as if fat women don’t exist and aren’t attractive in their own way. I’ve always been attracted to plus-sized women, and now I am one! My weight was actually an asset to my transition; I had fat to redistribute, so now instead of a big belly I have a chest and curves that I’m so proud of and that help me get gendered correctly (even by myself). I’ve become a curvy baddie, a woman who I would absolutely be attracted to. Finding myself attractive is another brand new experience that I love.
It’s also worth recognizing that a lot of the insecurities that trans women have are the same insecurities that cis women have - attractiveness, weight, clothing, taking up too much space, how you sound, being ‘too much’. I’ve read experiences of trans women being offended when women say “welcome to womanhood” as if it negated their own experiences but I think they’ve completely missed the point of what was being said to them: “Welcome to womanhood, we all deal with those problems, so that makes you more of a woman to be dealing with them too”. It’s an invitation, not a dismissal. They’re literally saying WELCOME!!
Let’s all work to exclude ourselves less and act like we belong - because we truly do. I’ve been welcomed into womanhood with open arms, long before I ever passed to myself. I’ve decided to stop hiding behind the fear of passing and start working towards the feeling of belonging. Paying forward the “Welcome to Womanhood” I got when I came out, creating connections with people wherever I go by being open rather than reserved. Using my voice rather than silencing it. Flaunting my curves rather than being ashamed of them. Being seen as a woman or a trans woman, it doesn’t really matter as long as I’m not being seen as a man. That ship has truly sailed (and been shot at with flaming arrows).
Here’s a weird piece of advice - I want you to watch Survivor (the US version is fine but Australian Survivor is shockingly better), and I want you to transvestigate the contestants. It’s one of the few shows where you see people without ANY makeup, so it’s a great way to be exposed to more normal looking cis people (even though they cast mostly attractive people). I want you to look at the men as if they are trans men - what features could be seen as feminine in origin? Look at the women as if they are trans women - what features could be seen as masculine in origin? Spoiler alert: you’ll find that there is a lot less that separates us than the beauty, weight loss, and transphobia industries want us to think there is. This actually really helped me work through my own internalized transphobia and I hope it helps you too.
So let’s filter out the bullshit and look at ourselves with much kinder eyes. We may never be supermodels - AND THAT’S OKAY! So few people are. The only people we can be is ourselves and we can excel at that and be attractive in our own ways.
-Hazel Bloom 💜
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